Memories

Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Sometimes, I wish that I have simply forgotten who I am and who I was, living a life that has no relevance to me.

Time to time, I miss the way I felt with someone in my past. I no longer remember her face or her scent, but I barely remember the way I've felt when I was once around her. She was awfully nice to me — perhaps, she was too good for me. Even though I don't remember her very well, due to all my efforts to forget her, I still feel her. The way she lifted me up by just looking at me and the way she looked at me still warm my blood. Of course, she was not radiating any heat or light beams, but every time I looked at her or interacted with her, I couldn't help but feel warm and fuzzy. For the first time in my life, my life finally had colors, popping up everywhere from coffee shop windows to random people walking beside me. Different from comfort that one may render from his or her parents, I felt naseous but giddy. As if I was injected with an unhealthy dose of adrenaline or any such hormone, I was about to touch the sky.

It all changed by a single moment of shock and dispair. Autumn was creeping upon us, and we've just had our first anniversary — the very first I've ever had. She couldn't even look at me when I greeted her, and obviously she had something she was meant to say. Turning me around, she finally faced me and said that she has to let it go. On the verge of tears, she told me that she has to let me go. I was going to hold her but she distanced herself from me, fighting herself to stay away from me. For the next year or so afterward, I was never happy. The colors of life have faded away and I was my own sad, sod little Charlie Chaplin.

To this day, after 5 years of time or possibly more, I have not found one that made me feel the same. As if my heart was permanantly broken and incapable of letting a new person in, I was left with chronic condition of heartlessness. Sometimes, I just wish that I would forget all that I was in the past, with all the feelings that I just cannot let go, and find a new person who will find me special. About the time that the summer is ripe and the winter edges on, I cannot help but feel empty and lonely like the way I felt after my first breakup.

I wish you all find someone to cherish. Thank you for reading.